So many thoughts are swirling in my head right now – have been swirling over the past twenty-four hours. Thoughts of being back in Africa, thoughts of the past year, thoughts for the coming year. So many thoughts I’m not sure how to capture them all, to put them into ways (and words) that will truly encapsulate everything going on in my heart right now. I know I need to, I’ve learned the importance of capturing this time with God, this arresting moment where in the smallest form, I can see Him clearly.
I’ve been feeling lately as though I’ve been in this desert place – a place of drought in my relationship with God, but trusting in the truth that He is still here, that I don’t take a step without Him guiding it. And I’ve found that saying yes to this trip to South Africa has released His Spirit deep within me to be felt once more. For far too long, I held onto these nudges and prompts to go, without saying anything to anyone. When I finally acted in obedience, it was like an overflowing well was released in my heart. In one simple “yes,” my obedience to His calling uncovered His presence that I had covered with my disobedience. It’s amazing how quickly we can find Him when we choose to be obedient to Him.
Over the past year, I’ve been on a pretty significant journey in my relationship with the Lord – one that I believe I will look back on years down the road and see how this year has marked and changed my life. I believe I’ve made decisions to be obedient to Christ in ways that will greatly impact the trajectory of my life until the day I die. And that thought alone excites me. To know that again, in a series of simply saying “yes,” my obedience has opened doors that may have never been opened otherwise. And let me be extremely clear – it has by far been the hardest year of my life. But I know without a doubt that God has been right beside me the entire time, guiding my every footstep. Even in times of living in the desert place, He’s been right there.
I ended 2013 having made two major decisions: to lay down my dreams, my hopes, and my desires for fulfilled promises in exchange for the life He has for me. Regardless of what that life may or may not hold. I’ve been praying for several months for God to fill my heart with His desires, but I’ve recently realized that I can’t fully grasp His desires without letting go of my own. And I don’t believe that letting go of my desires means to give up hope. It means that I must be willing to lay my hopes and dreams on the alter as my Isaac, trusting that God will provide a ram in the thicket – in whatever way He chooses.
The other major decision was to be part of what God is doing in South Africa. Completely stepping out in faith, not knowing how or where the $1,900 is coming from, but trusting that where He calls me, He will be faithful to provide a way for me to get there. Money is a big deal to me – it’s an issue I have a hard time trusting God with. And trusting that He is going to provide such a large chunk of money for me to travel across the world? It’s a step of faith. It’s a standing-on-the-edge-of-a-cliff-and-being-told-to-take-a-step-over move of faith. And it’s one that I believe He is going to not only prove His faithfulness on, I can totally see Him going above and beyond and whispering to me “What were you worried about? I told you I’d take care of you!”
As I look forward to the next year, I’ve realized that I want 2014 to be marked by this theme: I’m going all in, living in each moment as fully and present as I can. Trying to not look beyond the moment, but focusing on Him in all that I do right then. I want my life to be marked fully by His love, His grace, His faithfulness. As undoubtedly my fears will soar and doubts creep in, I want to remind myself of His promise in Isaiah 30:21:
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
With every step I take, I want it to be because He has guided it. I’m trusting in His unfailing goodness and love for me, and believe with every ounce of my being that He is for me. He is with me. He won’t guide me to a place that won’t bring Him glory. Every moment is redeemed for His glory. It’s all His. My life for His glory.
by grace alone 