I over think things. Anything. Everything. Any time I subject myself to unusual amounts of thinking, it usually ends in disaster. I wish I were kidding about this. I usually end up convincing myself that I’m either dying from some ailment (and I’m usually not even sick), or that something catastrophic is headed my way. It’s just what happens when I’m left to my own brain for an extended amount of time, so the past few weeks have been incredibly interesting in this regard. God has blessed me with ample amounts of time to be lost in thought through a very interesting health issue. Instead of it being dangerous, it has been the most incredible time where I’ve really been able to pursue His thoughts and heart for me. I’ve been praying some bold prayers, and asking to hear His voice in regards to them. And in some ways, I have. In other ways, He’s reminded me of His heart, and it’s those thoughts that have really captured me this week.
A few years back, my friend Isaac taught about living a life worth looking back on; living in a way that really counts. And this thought has always stuck with me, but it’s really been over the past few weeks where I feel like perhaps God is asking me if I’m really living in such a way. Or maybe I’ve just finally been still long enough to hear Him. Either way, I’ve really dug into this, and it’s radically changing the ways I’m viewing things. I didn’t go into this trip to South Africa expecting it to be a game changer, but I think it is. I’m not entirely sure what God is asking of me in regards to my future and South Africa. I can definitively tell you that I know I’m supposed to go back. For how long, I have no idea. The thought that keeps striking me though, is this: it doesn’t matter how long. If God is asking me to go back, why wouldn’t I? Why would I hesitate?
And then, I hesitate. Because I’m waiting for things. Things that I believe He has promised me. Things that aren’t in South Africa. And I feel this tension that I’m not sure what to do with. The what-if’s begin to arise. What if I do go? What if I don’t? What will happen in either of these scenarios? And I’m incredibly ashamed to admit it, but this has been where I’ve struggled this week. I want to go, but I’m waiting for things to happen before I do. And I know that these thoughts are absolutely ridiculous. God is going to do what God is going to do – in His timing, not mine. After all, He is the only one who sees the bigger picture.
And so I’ve landed in a very particular place the last few days – it doesn’t matter. Whatever He has promised, whatever He has planned, it’s going to happen when it happens. I can choose to sit around Kansas City waiting for whatever may or may not come and pretend to be totally fulfilled, or I can surrender myself to whatever it is that He is asking of me. At the end of my life, I want to be known for living a life fully surrendered. I want to leave a legacy that counts. I want to be known for nothing else than my obedience to the Lord. And I know that this will only happen by daily surrendering myself to Him – by admitting that it’s not by my power, not by my strength. Everything that I am, everything that I claim to be is all Him. He is always good, He is always faithful. My own feet may fail me (and they will), but He never will.
Where He calls, I will follow.
by grace alone 